Asked by Anonymous
Technically, any kink is a type of paraphilia. If someone doesn’t experience sexual attraction towards other people they can still legitmately refer to themselves as asexual for that reason, though, so I suppose they’d be a paraphillic asexual, even though that might sound like a bit of a contradiction in terms.
Usually, though, I imagine that if someone has a kink that they get off to, they’d probably define their sexuality according to that rather than making use of the asexual identification, even though they might have a right to do so.
Honestly, though, this is largely just speculation and reasoning- I’m not professing any level of in-depth knowledge here. If any of my followers are asexual and want to way on this, be my guest.
I’m pretty sure I was the first person to make a joke about Oreos being an “interracial sex sandwich” and its really weird to see my old bit of juvenalia turning up here. Either someone out there reads my blog enough to have responded to it with this or, more worryingly, I’m not the only person in the world to have have described Oreos in sexual terms.
So, I saw quite a heated debate a little while ago about whether the Doctor (the Time Lord I mean, not your local GP) is asexual or not. Since I’ve got nothing better to do, I thought I’d try and answer that question. People tend to get really upset about this for some reason (and by “for some reason” I mean “because people are stupid”), so I thought it might be nice for the Internet to have a slightly more measured response. If, for some mad reason, it’s really important to you that a fictional alien has one sexual orientation or another, then I’d advise you to stop reading right here and now. As Doctor Who is fictional (a point I literally can’t stress enough), certain aspects of it are open to multiple interpretations, and there’s no reason why mine should in any way unbalance or come into conflict with yours. This is purely for fans of the show who are curious about this aspect of the character’s identity and want an answer from someone whose given the whole thing a bit of thought (i.e. way more thought than it actually deserves because I’m ever so slightly obsessive). Okay? Okay.
First of all, the real answer- i.e., the one that pertains to the real world and the way the show is written rather than to the fictional universe and characters themselves- is both yes and no, depending on what is funnier/more dramatic/makes for a more interesting scene at the time. Since it’s a show that kids also watch and are expected to watch, the writers are never going to be in a position where they have to permanently pin down the Doctor’s sexual leanings- in fact, I suspect they’d collectively rather not do so anyway. Additionally, that aspect of the character isn’t really seen as vital in creating his on-screen persona. As its not necessary for characterisation and as there’s no need to explain it to the audience just ‘because’, it’s pretty much left fluid and left up to the individual writer for each episode. This is best demonstrated by the tenure of the Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith), because his character was the most ostensibly ‘funny’ of the modern series regenerations. This basically means that writers would freely give him sexual desires for one line but write him as asexual- or at least, not very familiar with sex- for another, depending on what they thought would raise more a laugh at the time. For example, his flirting with River Song is fairly obviously (at least to someone from the same, British sexual culture and of my kink-savvy generation), well, horny. And, because of the characters’ and the actors involved’s chemistry (as well as the usually perilous situations in which they do it) that’s funny. When confronted with sexual attention from any other quarter however, Eleven noticeably panics or else clearly doesn’t know how to handle the situation. Largely because it means we the audience get to watch Matt Smith flailing around doing his constitutionally-unable-to-behave-like-an-adult schtick and nearly breaking the set, which is always hilarious.
The in-Universe answer, however, is more straight-forward. I suspect that each regeneration of the Doctor has his own separate sexuality and a few have been asexual (in the classic series, I’m nominating Hartnell’s First Doctor, Tom Baker’s Fourth and Colin Baker’s Sixth… maybe also McCoy’s Seventh, but I don’t want to commit to that because he always looked a bit like he just might be into something really dirty if given half the chance). I don’t think any of the modern Doctors have been asexual (though maybe that’ll change with Capaldi’s Twelve). I can’t really prove anything one way or the other with Nine, but sometimes the way he’d act regarding Rose and other men (*cough cough* Jack Harkness in The Empty Child episodes *cough*) spoke of a certain jealousy that was more sexual than purely romantic. You all know the scenes I mean, so I’ll confine myself to commenting that you don’t usually engage in a dick-measuring contest if you’re not interested in the things you can do with said dick. Ten was clearly romantic or flirty with a lot of female characters, but was he a sexual being? I’m going to go with ‘yes’ for a number of reasons, most of which from Series Two. First of all, Madame du Pompador. It’s possible the kick he got out of snogging her was pure innocent joy but… well, just watch the scene! Look at that cheeky fucking grin! Every sufficiently promiscuous heterosexual man in the universe has seen that grin in a mirror at some point. That’s the “I’ve got a chance of tapping that ass” grin. You know it, I know it, actor David Tennant knows it. More convincing, however, is the entirety of the episode Tooth and Claw. Billie Piper and David Tennant play that entire episode like a couple who have just had sex and are feeling pretty smug about it. I defy you not to notice it now that I’ve pointed it out to you. So unless the two Who actors actually were enjoying a quickie behind the set pre-shoot, I think we can safely assume that Doctor Who was banging Rose Tyler repeatedly over the TARDIS console at some point. As for Eleven… “handcuffs”. There is no way all those references to handcuffs were referring purely to the more innocent occasions when River Song was in cuffs for legal reasons. Nope- that’s a BDSM reference. And either actress Jenna Coleman has something fascinating stuck to the seat of her trousers, or Eleven was spending a lot of time thinking about what he’d like to do that arse given a running start.
So yeah: my conclusion has to be ‘probably not asexual’. It’s not impossible that he is, but it is fairly unlikely. More interestingly, though, if you watch Patrick Troughton’s time as the second Doctor assuming that that regeneration is homosexual (albeit now a bit too old in biological terms to still be bothering to do anything with it), it actually makes perfect sense. I realise nobody asked me about that, but I just thought I’d throw it in there as a cheeky bonus, since we were talking about the Doctor’s love-life.
So… you know Brainiac, right? Yes, I’m talking about the Superman villain who goes around collecting worlds and generally fucking up everyone’s day. And you know that song from Flashdance, ‘she’s a maniac’? Well, I happened to hear that song after reading the latest issue of the Smallville comic the other day, and now I’ve got this mental image of Brainiac, alone in his ship, dancing along (doing the same routine as in the film) to this song and singing “he’s a Brainiac” in place of the real lyrics. And then General Zod (presumably planning a team-up) comes in and just sort of stops dead and stares at him like “what… the…fuck?” and there’s this long awkward silence and both men tacitly agree never to speak of The Incident again.
I’m not going anywhere with this, incidentally- it’s just that these are the things that keep me awake at night and I felt you should suffer from them, too.
Tune in tomorrow for a proper entry of some description. Good night.
Ladies and gentlemen, you’ll all be pleased to hear that I’ll no longer be regailing you with tedious tails of my crappy job…. because I no longer have a crappy job. I kept that position for two weeks. I think I must have set some kind of land-speed record for career auto-destruct. In the space of about 16 days, I went from being entirely enthusisastic about the new job, to disliking my colleagues enough for it to detract from the work itself to being consumed with loathing for everyone around me to simply hitting the eject button.
The good news is, of course, that I’ll now have the energy to type up some real blog entries instead of giving you the reheated drivel I’ve been serving up the past few nights. Hooray for unemployment. The bad news, of course, is that I’ll no longer have money. Boo to unemployment.
So, pretty soon now, I’ll be submitting my first column to the online magazine The Inner Condition- which is obviously fairly exciting for me. Partly because I’ve got a great passion for writing, but mostly because I hate my real job with the burning fury of a thousand suns and any achievement I can use to make my bell-end co-workers feel inferior is cause for celebration.
At the moment, I’ve got a few notions about the kind of thing I want I write for my first ‘proper’ column, but as I’m still mulling over possibilities, now would be a great time for my existing readership (that’s you, fucknuts) to contribute any topic suggestions they’d like to see me write on.
Obviously, I can’t guarantee I’ll use anything I get, but I thought a few of you might appreciate a chance to participate in this awesome-thing with me. Every so often, I get a suggestion for a blog topic and it fires my imagination, so if anyone’s got something they’d like to throw into the mix, now’s the time. My ask-box and fanmail thingy are on, so come on in and knock yourselves out.
So, I’m probably going to go see Sin City 2 at some point next week, and it raises a pretty obvious question: can it possibly be as good as the firt one?
You see, we all know that Frank Miller is kind of a bell-end (and for those of you who don’t, here’s some context: Frank Miller is kind of a bell-end). His personal ideology has always had a few troubling elements, but the original Sin City was based on work he produced before he went completely batshit. There was a time when, broadly speaking, Miller was a reasonably sane, compassionate human being, even harbouring a few left-wing views, but in recent years he’s drifted into an increasingly dementedly right-wing, hate-spewing persona- apparently fueled by a disproportionate and panicky fear of terrorism and his own mischaracterisations of the world’s more socially aware individuals. It’s hard to say exactly where he went so wrong- maybe he just logged onto Tumblr one day and meeting you wingnuts permanently prejudiced him against the political ethos he once tacitly subscribed to. However it happened, though, the damage is done now, and now he’s a twat.
So can he still make good films? Translating Sin City to a film the first time round was a pretty monumental achievement, but it benefited greatly from the fact that the source material itself wasn’t just macho posturing (contrary to what its less research-inclined critics might believe). It might have represented an unusually and extremely masculine world, but it was underpinned by a real sense of rage at political corruption and police brutality and weaved a series of narrative threads that tied up to demonstrate how all the horrible, awful things happening throughout could all be traced back to the same rotten, nepotistic, unfair system. Woven throughout was also a tangible love of language- seriously, just listen to the way characters speak in this film: this shit’s way smarter than it sounds on first hearing.
It’s going to be hard to pull of the same trick twice, in large part because the ideology that informed Sin City is a far-cry from Miller’s current known leanings, and stripped of that extra dimension of genuine outrage and understanding of the problems of the power-systems his comic book world was originally based on, it concerns me that Frank Miller’s Sin City 2 could rapidly degenerate into pastiche or farce: all spectacle with no thematic justification… or worse, an ideologically twisted version of the original film’s universe that attempts to retcon the ideas and statements put forward in the original into Miller’s current, warped worldview… which would be an insult to the original film and to his fans.
However, pessimism aside, this may not happen. Miller’s viewpoints might not be the only ones in play with this second outing: he made the first one with Rodriguez (who’s definitely one of the good guys), and if his creative input is evident in the second installment, it should keep Miller’s own less palatable side in check long enough to produce a movie that isn’t ideologically toxic to its own fanbase. Alternatively, it is entirely possible Miller may respect his own work enough to adapt the earlier comics in-tact without trying to alter them to fit his current leanings. We might even get to see a less demented side of the comic book writer when he gets to work on something with ties to his younger, more idealistic, less-of-a-dickhead self. Who know? He may not be a complete lost cause after all.
The only way I’m going to know one way or the other is to go see the film. Hey, if the worst comes to the worst, at least it looks like Marv’s going to be in it again.
Guess who just get head hunted to write for an online ‘zine! No, not my arch-rival Heston Blumanthal. I don’t know why you’d even think that. You’re a dimwit. I’m talking, of course, about me.
Ah, I always knew my unique blend of shambling pessimism and violent instability would attract literary attention one day… though somehow I always imagined I’d be written about- probably in one of those ghoulish biopics of serial killers that occasionally make it to print- rather than be the one invited to do the writing. But there it is: it looks like I’ll be doing some proper, official writing some time in the not-too-distant future.
This is handy, because I love writing almost as much as I love Batman and masturbation (though, as discussed in a previous entry, you should never combine Batman with masturbation: it does not end well). It’s also handy because my “real” job (i.e. the boring fuckchore I’m actually paid to do) currently consists of spurts of needless humiliation interspersed with long periods of tedium. As my default emotion to any negative situation isn’t upset or ennui but unreasoning, smashy rage, this could have been a serious problem if something good like this hadn’t happened to me. One minute I’d be staring vacantly at the thick, flapping gobhole of my idiot manager berating me for some imagined slight, the next I’d be coming to holding a bloodied Official Post Office Date-Stamp over my head like a cudgel, my white silk workshort encrusted with bits of brain and intestine, with no memory of how I got from one position to the other.
So thank you, Online Magazine The Inner Condition (found HERE if you’re curious): you’re performing a vital civil service by staving off my career as the Date-Stamp Killer for, ooh, another good week at least. You fellas/fellarettes rock.
A few thousand years from now, our culture could seem as distant and curious to historians as, say Ancient Carthaginian culture seems to us. However, one thing our culture is really good at is generating records. Those future historians will be fucking drowning in the fragmented remains of our Primary Sources. So I wonder what they’ll make of the main liminal spaces in our shared Internet Culture. Perhaps their fruitless attempts to unravel what the fuck we were thinking could prove insightful as they arrive at warped and inaccurate- yet strangely telling- conclusions. Let’s take the time to imagine some of their future assessments of our digital civilisation now.
Facebook: "Built around an ancient sect of devoted dimwits known only as the ‘Early Adopters’, Facebook rapidly bloomed into an all-consuming secular cult, existing only to perpetuate itself by absorbing ever more ‘users’ and brainwashing them into believing they were dependent on the networks the cult provided in order to communicate with their peers and stay up to date in their primitive, pre-Cyborg workplaces. In retrospect, it can be seen as the first almost fully-realised attempt in human history to monopolize communication itself."
Tumblr: "The First Digital Age’s early years saw the birth of the world’s first online asylum. The elegant theory was that the inmates, all trapped in myopic, politically and socially inflexible reality-tunnels of their own making would evolve a kinder, less hostile and more socially healthy worldview through exposure to one another’s unique perspectives. The flaws in each viewpoint would gradually be ironed out as society’s most sensitive members gradually learned from another and healed. Sadly, the experiment was a monumental failure. As it turns out, putting a load of crazy people in one place only served to contaminate what few threads of sanity there were in any adopted reality. Case in Point, ‘Social Justice’ was a broadly positive thing in the later years of the 20th Century, being shorthand for all manner of social progress and attempts at greater equality. Through exposure to Tumblr however, many of its proponents- at least, many of its proponents who were in the digital asylum anyway- became increasingly insular and xenophobic to any whose views did not tally precisely with their own, eventually leading to the bloody ‘SJW Wars’ of 2037, in which many had to put down with early-era laser cannons."
DeviantArt: "The people of the 21st Century constituted an intensely pictographic culture. This was heavily associated with their elevation of sex to an act of overwhelming social significance. How much sex one was having, with who and how kinkily were all defining aspects in social status. Sexual outsiders and underdogs therefore tended to share knowledge and ideas- whether for the mutual social advancement or for cathartic release is now uncertain. The inevitable culmination of this behaviour was DeviantArt: a vast visual repository of obscenely unrealistic sexual knowledge. Due to their blatantly impossible nature, some theorists now believe that DeviantArt images were somehow coded to share information only amongst those possessed of the correct social cyphers to decipher them."
Truly, a terrifying look at the future there. That’s what they’re going to say about us in the future, that is. Weep: your Kwisatz Haderach has spoken.
Asked by Anonymous
Ah, I see. Good luck getting back into your account!